Martha Stewart Won’t Be Here For Thanksgiving

Its almost the American Thanksgiving.  A special family time of get togethers, festivities, good food and being thankful.  We will be celebrating the Love Bunny’s American Thanksgiving here in Canada.  I’ve been reading all the blogs and Martha Stewart’s Thanksgiving about making this…cooking that…decorating this and that.  Whew.  It sure seemed like a lot of details.  Finally I decided how it was going to be and I sent an email out as follows:

To All Family and Friends:

Just a note to let you know we are hoping to see you Thanksgiving Day. But….

Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I’m telling you in advance, so don’t act surprised.  Since Ms. Stewart won’t be coming, I’ve made a few small changes:

Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.

Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I had planned to make. Instead, I’ve gotten the kids involved in the decorating by having them track in colorful autumn leaves from the front yard. The mud was their idea.

The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china, or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since this IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins from last Christmas.

Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration hand-crafted from the finest construction paper.  The artist assures me it is a turkey.

We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I’m sure they will be happy to share every choice comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.

As accompaniment to the children’s recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don’t own a recording of tribal drumming, or that tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.

We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We’ve also decided against a formal seating arrangement. When the smoke alarm sounds, please gather around the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table. In a separate room. Next door.

Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner.  For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress “private” meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send small, unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife. The turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason that I will eventually win. When I do, we will eat.

I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that “passing the rolls” is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.

Oh, and one reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal, and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the giblet gravy by its lesser-known name: Cheese Sauce.  If a young diner questions you regarding the origins or type of Cheese Sauce, plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.

Before I forget, there is one last change. Instead of offering a choice between 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice; take it or leave it. I hope you aren’t too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won’t come next year either.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!   Hope you have a very lovely Sunday….. Judi




Filed under Posts

10 responses to “Martha Stewart Won’t Be Here For Thanksgiving

  1. HAHAHA….that is a good one!!!! She definitely won’t be here either!!!!!

  2. What a delightfully comical post! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face this morning.

  3. lol Oh Judi, thank you for that good laugh. lol lol I seem to remember hearing a part of that last year, but I’ve never seen the whole thing. I copied it and sent it out to all my email buddies. lol

  4. That is just too funny!!! I am still laughing. Oh the grand plans that we all have. My one wish for Thanksgiving is that someone else does the dishes…that usually ends up being dear hubby!!

    Thanks for the morning smile. I think it will follow me all the rest of the day.

    take care,

  5. Judi, this is so funny – she won’t be here either….Robyn

  6. tootsie

    HA HA HA! this was wonderful! thanks for the giggles!
    Martha doesn’t come here either!

  7. OMG! I was laughing out loud on this one!!! It nearly gave me chest pain! LOLOL. Love it! Hope your Thanksgiving is absolutely delightful, and funny too!!!
    xoxo- Julie

  8. Do Canadian’s have Thanksgiving? You do not have to do two of these non Martha events I hope!

  9. Pingback: Happy Monday-Before-Turkey-Day! « Jas and Belle

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s